| | Sleep evades me.
The drywall pattern on my ceiling isn't getting any more interesting as time goes on.
Every time I shut my eyelids, my eyes burn like the sidewalk on a summer day.
I feel like I'm dead and alive at the same time.
I have no motivation to sleep.
I have no motivation to stay awake.
I don't have enough "get-up-and-go" to turn off the light.
I just need this sweet, blissful release; like the push of the plunger, the moment of letting go.
I want to watch my eyes wave back and forth behind my eyelids, like a leaf in the wind, sleep-time visions entangling my optical nerve.
Heart rate slowed, breathing depressed.
Unconscious connection with one's surroundings.
Ceasing voluntary movement and self-awareness.
Apathy.
You don't realize how many of your body systems malfunction when they don't get adequate rest.
Being awake for just a few hours more than normal can have drastic effects on the brain you try to keep sane.
Vision starts blurring.
The fluid in the inner ear begins to swish back and forth like the ocean around Homer's Scylla.
Mood is drastically dropped, like into the bottom of a deep, empty barrel, devoid of all light and sensory information.
When you can't sleep, it's more or less like being sucked into a black hole.
Even light cannot escape it.
With the lack of sleep, you must learn to adapt to strange, scattered, and unusual thoughts.
The more tired you become over time, the more each day, each moment seems like a blur, a fragment of a dream.
With a few nights in a row with no slumberous intermissions, the seconds that begin to slowly tick tock away become familiar dreams.
The semi-awake dream/twilight state becomes the norm.
You get used to being in a different universe mentally.
You ask yourself, with your vision still undulating ever so slowly, can I really not sleep?
Or am I dreaming that I can't sleep, and sometime I'll wake up?
When the lines between reality and dreams become blurred by lack of rest, it gets harder and harder to distinguish real life from your Rapid Eye Movement fantasies.
Every blink is a missed opportunity to sleep.
Every blink i a missed opportunity release yourself from quasi-methamphetamine game of staying awake for days at a time.
It feels like the world has completely stopped.
The planet to which I've accustomed myself is frozen in its tracks.
It lies, sliently, impatiently, beautifully until I can shut my mind off on itself. |
| | Posted 4/23/2009 4:07 AM - 6 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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