ifeltmyheartstop's Xanga

41.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 02:46:23 GMT

Lying here in the dark makes my mind wander. When you can't sleep, the world seems like it's coming apart like pieces of a puzzle. It just comes apart, piece by piece, cardboard shape by cardboard shape. In this lack of sleep, I feel like there are invisible walls up around me, and they might as well be made of diamonds, because I can't seem to find a way to break them. I've been feeling so agitated and anxious and pissy at everything and everyone for the past few weeks. I want to get away from everything. But, when I'm by myself, I feel so damn alone. The music that I keep putting on my playlist isn't helping: slow, acoustic songs that speak of loss, of love, of uncertainty. All these lyrics are coming to life around me. Everything just feels so wrong. Everything just feels so wrong, and it's all because I can't sleep.

40.

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 07:07:03 GMT

Sleep evades me.
The drywall pattern on my ceiling isn't getting any more interesting as time goes on.
Every time I shut my eyelids, my eyes burn like the sidewalk on a summer day.
I feel like I'm dead and alive at the same time.
I have no motivation to sleep.
I have no motivation to stay awake.
I don't have enough "get-up-and-go" to turn off the light.
I just need this sweet, blissful release; like the push of the plunger, the moment of letting go.
I want to watch my eyes wave back and forth behind my eyelids, like a leaf in the wind, sleep-time visions entangling my optical nerve.
Heart rate slowed, breathing depressed.
Unconscious connection with one's surroundings.
Ceasing voluntary movement and self-awareness.
Apathy.
You don't realize how many of your body systems malfunction when they don't get adequate rest.
Being awake for just a few hours more than normal can have drastic effects on the brain you try to keep sane.
Vision starts blurring.
The fluid in the inner ear begins to swish back and forth like the ocean around Homer's Scylla.
Mood is drastically dropped, like into the bottom of a deep, empty barrel, devoid of all light and sensory information.
When you can't sleep, it's more or less like being sucked into a black hole.
Even light cannot escape it.
With the lack of sleep, you must learn to adapt to strange, scattered, and unusual thoughts.
The more tired you become over time, the more each day, each moment seems like a blur, a fragment of a dream.
With a few nights in a row with no slumberous intermissions, the seconds that begin to slowly tick tock away become familiar dreams.
The semi-awake dream/twilight state becomes the norm.
You get used to being in a different universe mentally.
You ask yourself, with your vision still undulating ever so slowly, can I really not sleep?
Or am I dreaming that I can't sleep, and sometime I'll wake up?
When the lines between reality and dreams become blurred by lack of rest, it gets harder and harder to distinguish real life from your Rapid Eye Movement fantasies.
Every blink is a missed opportunity to sleep.
Every blink i a missed opportunity release yourself from quasi-methamphetamine game of staying awake for days at a time.
It feels like the world has completely stopped.
The planet to which I've accustomed myself is frozen in its tracks.
It lies, sliently, impatiently, beautifully until I can shut my mind off on itself.

39.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:05:11 GMT

Why does no one recognize beauty? Acknowledging the wonders of this world has become a lost practice. Each blade of grass, the delicacy of a spiderweb, the feathers on a wings of a bird; why don't we stop and look at these things? Light enters your eyes in the form of a picture, upside down, flying through your neurons as electric signals faster than any other thing that we have discovered. How does an apple on a tree know how to reflect just the delicious red light? I'm starting to make a practice of stopping every once in a while, and looking around. I just take it all in. And I'll focus on something, anything, and ponder it. Sand. A candle. Tea. Paint. A lightbulb. Fire. Happiness. Death. I try to look at it from all 360 degrees. I see the good, I see the bad. I recognize the beauty, I recognize the feelings it gives me. I think I'm coming to realize that there are infinite amazing wonders in this earth. Just when I think there's nothing else to see, I find something new. And I'm coming to learn that the more beauty I realize, the more love I see everywhere. The world has such love for itself. It shines the stars at night so the ocean can see. It grows flowers for the sky to love. Why do we hate the world so much that we ignore it's loveliness? We're just ignoring how much the world loves us. Start to realize it. Close your eyes and just try to feel it. It's astounding.

38.

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:07:01 GMT

You're irrational.
You're a control freak.
You're immature.
You're annoying.
You have double standards.
You get on my nerves.
I fucking hate you.

36.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 03:39:55 GMT

I've been doing a lot of thinking today.
I was watching Party Monster and that slow, sad piano song came on.
I hate that part of the movie.
But I find myself playing it over and over again,
just for the song.
I've recently realized that I miss a lot of people.
I miss her.
I miss him.
I miss another her.
I miss another him.
The list could go for a while.
I have a novel on one side of me,
and my journal on the other.
I never knew that a small, tan, suede book could have power over me,
but it does.
I can hold the book open,
pen poised in my writing hand.
It's just a book.
Sheets of paper, as thin as the seconds that pass;
a pen: plastic, metal, ink.
These weapons leave me motionless.
I can't leave a mark on the page.
I can't transfer thoughts from my heart to my hand.
The clock flashes in the opposite end of my room,
obviously the power went out today while I studied the insides of my eyelids.
I need company.
I need a cigarette.
I need to escape.
The attempt at comedy on the television illuminates the room.
I don't even know where I am anymore.
I don't even know who I am.
More than anything,
I am a robot,
my daily motions written somewhere in an all-knowing book.
Again, a book.
The book that leaves me speechless.

35.

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 02:46:10 GMT

I wish things were easier sometimes.
I wish asking for an honest answer wasn't like pulling teeth.
I wish I was a millionare.
I wish I could party like a rockstar every minute of every day.
I wish people didn't judge other people.
I wish dreams were easy to turn into realities.
I wish I could live life like I did a year ago.
I wish I could pick my favorite moment in time, and live in it forever.
I wish I didn't have to make difficult decisions.
I wish I never would have tried any drugs.
I wish there were no consequences for my actions.
I wish there were no consequences for my thoughts.
I wish I had a better body.
I wish I could get away with whatever I wanted.
I wish I could seem like a better person.
I wish I could be a better person.

34.

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 04:27:21 GMT

I found a liquid cure/for
my landlocked blues/it
will pass away/like
a slow parade/it's
leaving but I don't know how soon.//

I don't know why I've been so depressed recently.
I'm taking my Zyprexa.
I meditate every morning and night.
I listen to amazing music,
and I'm getting my nic fix.
But I feel like there is no universe around me.
It's like I'm lying in my bed,
holding a lighter,
keeping it lit,
just so everything doesn't disappear.
I'm not sure where to go from here.

33.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 06:26:53 GMT

The tempurature sucks almost as much as the laziness does.
My fingers are moveing at like 100 Miles per minute,
while I'm typing away an the perfect keyboard.
If I made the perfect keyboard, I would
take myself into outer space and see
all of the nebulas and the star gasses.
Then I would come back to earth and I would die.
Forever.

32.

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 23:42:15 GMT

Fucking stupid drama queen.

31.

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:33:28 GMT

Entry 31 removed for my own sake.